Category: Satire

Yes, Please Give me Tips on how to be More Appealing to Men!

by No Rules Cornell, posted in Creative, Satire

by Natalie Brennan //

Do you ever find yourself needing advice from the nearest man? Do you often wonder just how to appeal more to the male-gaze? Oh, but it is so hard to get any sort of advice from a man ever! Have you noticed just how incredibly hard it is to get their attention, and that accidentally looking at them, walking by them, or doing absolutely nothing at all often does not cut it?

If you aren’t considering your own desirability and its relation to your worth throughout the day, here’s your reminder to worry about it more!

Thankfully, you don’t even have to be looking for advice for it to be given to you. This was fortunately my case, as I returned from a day of studying at the Arts Library. Everything about my demeanor seemed incredibly approachable: whether it was the bags under my eyes, my backpack weighing down my shoulders, or my desire to take the world’s best nap. But of course, the one thought on my mind was how to appear more desirable to the next guy that enters my life. If you aren’t considering your own desirability and its relation to your worth throughout the day, here’s your reminder to worry about it more!

Returning to my dorm on this certain eve of a study session, I was more than delighted to find an unknown friend of a friend lounging around. I was even more delighted to hear him ask me if I had ever been to a fraternity house on campus. I was afraid that this question would result in nothing but small talk, so I of course did not try to escape to my room to avoid being asked any more questions about my weekend activities. I answered him honestly, and regretfully, that no, I had never been.

“But you’re a girl. Come with a group of you and you’ll always be let in.”

How interesting! I had, of course, never heard of any sort of ratio ideology before at these sorts of social events, and was hanging onto every word he was telling me. I appreciated the fashion advice he gave me too, sort of a “less is more” mentality. This was good because I never actually dress for myself, and only dress specifically to appeal to the male gaze. I’m glad he caught onto that. I informed him of my usual party attire, prioritizing my comfort, and then did not try to make a dash for the stairs to my room.

“Just be genuine. That’s how you pick up guys. Talk to them, a lot, and be genuine.”

REALLY? Was that the answer to this age old problem the whole time? Just be genuine? My mind had never been so blown open. How did he read my mind like that? I didn’t even have to tell him, and he knew exactly the question I was asking, the question that we all are wondering every second of the day. I just had to be genuine to appeal to men. What a piece of advice! This was so convenient, as of course my next move that night was to attend the nearest frat party, with all intentions now of being completely genuine.

It’s not everyday that you’re given such solid advice like that from a guy, unprovoked, while minding your own business!

I couldn’t thank him enough, nor did I have the words to express all of my gratitude, so I just silently walked up to my room, awestruck. It’s not everyday that you’re given such solid advice like that from a guy, unprovoked, while minding your own business! It’s certainly not a universal experience for any non-men out there. But I can’t help thinking of his advice any time I’m getting ready for any sort of function now. Just be genuine. Who could have thought of that one? I only wish I could have given him some advice in return.

Buying Clothes: It’s a Cinch

by No Rules Cornell, posted in Creative, Fashion, Satire

by Claire Mullen //

We’ve All Been There

Have you ever found yourself crying in the Kohl’s dressing room? Or trying on a heap of clothing and none of it works? These seem to be common struggles, but buying clothes as a woman is really easy. I really don’t see what people are complaining about. Let’s go over some aspects of the fashion industry and I’ll explain why what people are saying is nonsense:

We Don’t Need Pockets

For one thing, I am not at all bothered by the lack of functional pockets in women’s pants. Sometimes the pockets will be completely fake — just stitching to emulate a pocket — or the pockets will be so minuscule that they can’t hold anything except maybe one penny. As prestigious fashion designer Christian Dior once said, “Men have pockets to keep things in, women for decoration,” and he couldn’t have been more right. As women, we are far too fragile and dainty to carry our personal belongings ourselves– we need men to carry them for us.

Sizing Makes so much Sense

Sizing is so consistent and logical across all brands and stores. Sure, you may be a size small in one store, a 26 in another, and some stores have absolutely nothing that fits you properly. However, this, of course, is not a problem with the stores but with women instead. We are all made to be the same size; nothing beyond or in between. However, if you are on the hunt for an on-trend brand with a diverse range of sizes, Brandy Melville is your one-stop-shop. With sizes like “one size,” “oversized,” and absolutely nothing else, Brandy Melville accommodates all sizes and shapes of women and girls. 

Pleasing Men, Pleasing Men, and Pleasing Men

Last but certainly not least, are you worried about how other people will judge what you are wearing? Sure, that plain T-shirt and jeans may be comfy, but, most importantly, will it cater to the male gaze? Pleasing men in what we wear is very important; the male gaze must be satisfied. Women, of course, should never choose what they want to wear, whether that be a dress and heels, sweats with coffee stains on them, or a “Damn I look good” T-shirt because women’s opinions don’t matter.

Not So Easy After All?

In sum, with all these complicated rules, sizes, and expectations, finding clothes really is a cinch! The problem is, however, it’s only a cinch when you can completely change the meaning of “cinch” to something more like “arduous and simultaneously embarrassing.” Everyone needs clothes, so why does finding the right clothing have to be so difficult? If only the fashion industry could see that, then maybe clothes shopping would become less of a hardship and more of a delight.

Why Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed in Higher Education

by No Rules Cornell, posted in Creative, Satire

As a woman and a current Cornell undergraduate, I feel that I am an extremely qualified source when it comes to explaining why women shouldn’t be allowed into higher education. Now, perhaps that sentence shocks you. Perhaps there are even those of you who would argue that, given the privilege I have been afforded, my experience disqualifies me from arguing for the exclusion of women from higher education. But I firmly believe that such an experience has in fact been an asset—much like the ability to cut your own hair or cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Radical notions of “feminism” have led to our current state: we not only accept the idea of women furthering their education, but we actively promote it as well. Such notions have had devastating effects on both universities and society as a whole, and we must do everything in our power to stop their spread.

First off, we must examine the impact that women have had on the universities they have attended. In 1870, Cornell University was the first of the Ivy League schools to admit women. It was not until 1969 that Harvard, Princeton, and Yale became coed and not until 1981 that Columbia did the same. Yet, today, U.S. News and World Report ranks Cornell as the 18th in the country, whereas the seven other Ivy League schools—all of which allowed women onto their campuses nearly a century later—rank significantly higher than Cornell. Princeton, Harvard, Columbia, and Yale respectively hold the top four positions. These statistics clearly demonstrate the direct cause and effect between the presence of women on campus and the degradation of the university as a whole. Perhaps it was the extra century of spaghetti straps and knees distracting men that really did Cornell in.

Next, we must determine whether higher education fulfills the goals for women that it intends to. People have argued that women ought to be just as independent as men. However, women aren’t learning independence at universities. Rather, we are being waited on hand and foot. Our food is cooked and prepared by chefs, and the bathrooms and hallways in our dormitories are cleaned for us. Such decadence is absurd. After all, cooking and cleaning are time-honored traditions that have been relegated to women for centuries, because men don’t want to do them. And frankly, why should they? Men are busy. Men are hardworking. After all, men are men. They have theories named after them, buildings constructed in their honor, and some of them are quite proficient at growing beards and talking over others. Their talents truly know no bounds! But women’s talents do know bounds. Case in point: most of them are not very proficient at growing beards.

These two points make clear the fact that women should not be allowed into higher education. Although, then again, I am a women, and therefore I am not entirely sure that I can be trusted to have an opinion on the matter. Perhaps it would be better to ask a man.